There was a farmer...

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house 

one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the

road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this

here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

 "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He 

comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a 

whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire. 

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the 

same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of 

tape. 

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape.

I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!" "You can't catch ducks 

with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. 

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He 

comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't 

believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all 

wrapped up tightly in his tape. 

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the 

kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick. 

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?" "Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

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An elderly woman...

An elderly woman entered a large furniture 

store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in particular I can 

show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.  

"All I want is an occasional piece in the 

living room!"

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A teacher was giving a lesson...

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

The teacher asked, "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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God is watching...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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Female Reindeer...

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. 

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female.

We should've known. 

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost... 

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